


Brotherhood gone bonkers 10

by Aqua111



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comic)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 02:41:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aqua111/pseuds/Aqua111
Summary: An ancient crossover, 50 cats and Rembrandt in a gorilla costume.





	Brotherhood gone bonkers 10

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to start writing when I was still in the bus so I created a text document on my phone. And then after I was at home I just wasn't in the mood to sit in front of my laptop so this whole thing was written on a phone within the past 9 hours. You can't believe how much my thumbs hurt now.

With a bored look on his face Sabre zapped through various surveillance camera channels. He could think of dozens of things that he rather wanted to do right now but at least it kept Locke away from those screens for a little while longer.

("Did you notice that during this whole series Locke was working the surveillance cameras less often than any other Guardian? And still the others think he is there way too often and want to keep him from it all the time." - J.F. Gabrie-Cat)

Sabre pinched his eyes shut a couple of times and rapidly shook his head. Had he really just seen and heard a wisecracking cat sitting in the corner of the room. Dammit, he already had the same hallucinations Spectre once had. The Guardian stood up and stretched his limbs. Maybe a cup of coffee could help.

On his way to the kitchen he nearly crashed into Athair wearing a red cap who ran out of one room while waving around a red painted tennis ball and shouting the battle cry, "I'm going to catch them aaaallll!" The older Guardian crashed into the walls around the door a couple of times before he finally found the entrance to the kitchen.

Oh great, Sabre just thought. Should he now really still go there? But maybe it was for the best - who knew what else this crazy Guardian could do without surveillance.

As soon as he entered the room he stopped dead in his tracks. Athair wasn't alone in there. With him there was another Echidna wearing an open blouse and a skirt - a really short skirt.

"Oh, morning", the newcomer said with a definitely male voice and waved an empty cereal box with Sabre's name on it around. "I guess these were yours."

Somehow Sabre knew this Echidna, even though it was just from very old photos - and it shouldn't have been possible that he even was here right now. For a few seconds he just stood there gawking but his stupor didn't last for too long. With a few quick steps he closed the gap and slapped his ancestor in the face.

"What was that for?" Harlan complained. "Why are you suddenly so angry at me?"

"Who wouldn't be angry?! You faked your death for three hundred years and now you ate all my cereal!" Sabre exclaimed.

"Yeah, and you are wearing THAT skirt with THESE shoes", Athair agreed with a frown.

"Forget the skirt - how can you even be here?" Sabre asked still completely flabbergasted.

"Well, I was in the neighbourhood so..."

"In the neighbourhood?" Sabre interrupted.

"Yeah, there is this hotel and..."

"Hey guys, I was just in the surveillance room and you probably won't believe what I saw", Thunderhawk called out when he ran around the corner. "Overnight someone managed to build a ... hotel ... next ... door..." His voice became quieter and quieter until he stopped talking completely and stared at Harlan too.

"Well, as I wanted to say before I so rudely was interrupted..." Harlan started before he was interrupted again.

"Can you please put on some underwear before you continue talking?" Thunderhawk said.

"Why? None of you wears any so why should I?"

"None of us looks like a female either."

"Says the long haired hippie with the dress."

"That is a bloody tunic!"

Sabre stepped between them. "Can we please stop the discussion for now? I finally want to know how it's possible why he is here - alive."

Harlan scratched his head. "Well, that's a bit complicated. Technically I am still dead - but Aurora calls Guardians to a different level of existence after a while so I also could technically still mettle with other Guardians' business." He pointed at Athair. "It's a bit like with his case - he shouldn't be here because he now is part of the Neo Walkers but he is here nevertheless. And we are here now because we felt like we could need some holidays."

"Holidays ... from being dead?" Sabre frowned.

"Hey, afterlife can be exhausting too" Harlan pouted. He eyed Sabre more closely. "And some of you look like you could need some holidays as well. You know, Haven won't fall apart if you just stay away for a few days. You are welcome with us any time."

Sabre sighed. "No, I'm fine. Besides, I'm still an active Guardian - I can't just get up and leave my duties for a couple of days."

("Who is the workaholic now? It surely isn't Locke." - the all-knowing J.F. Gabrie-Cat)

Okay, maybe he really did need some holidays - he heard that bloody cat again.

"Uhm, father?" Locke carefully looked around the corner. "Oh hi, Harlan. Uh, father, can I have a word with you?"

"Hi Harlan?" Sabre asked when he followed Locke outside. "No surprise whatsoever? Don't say this is your doing again."

"What? No, I can't raise the dead. But I have already seen Sojourner stumbling out of a gay bar, Spectre in an Enerjak armour and Athair destroying Echidnaopolis with a piano. I don't think I can be surprised by anything anymore. But that isn't the point here. What I actually wanted to tell you", the younger Brotherhood member took a deep breath. "I might have accidentally sort of adopted 50 cats."

"You ... what?! How can you accidentally adopt that many cats?"

"Well, I needed some more pets - pigeons I am not allowed to have anymore - so I asked Edi to get me the first thing that was available. And the first available thing was the whole first page of the pet adoption site. The first few arrived this morning, the rest will be brought to me throughout the rest of the day."

"Why can't you do something normal in your spare time for a change?" Sabre asked, his voice sounding a bit desperate.

"What has that boy done now? I hope it's nothing that affects us or Haven or else he should already pick a god and pray", a deep voice snarled behind him.

Sabre spun around and found himself face to face with Spectre. The oldest (living) Guardian didn't wear his helmet, his cloak looked shredded and his expression indicated that he was ready to kill anyone who only did as much as breathe the wrong way."

"Uh, grandfather, what happened to you?" Sabre asked meekly.

"There suddenly were a bunch of cats in my room, some of them dragged away my helmet and the rest ripped my clothes open. I have no idea who let those cats into Haven but if he wants to stay alive he can only hope that I will never find out. And now I don't even care anymore if I have to stay off the caffeine or not - I need a cappuccino. Or else I will grab the nearest vodka bottle instead and then I can't guarantee for anything anymore." With that he turned around and marched into the kitchen.

"I think it might be better for you if you moved to Echidnaopolis for a while", Sabre whispered into Locke's ear to which the younger Guardian agreed with a nervous nod.

"And stop leaving dead people in my kitchen!" Spectre roared from the room which caused Locke to turn tail with a yelp and race away down the corridor.

"Wow, what a sweetheart of a Guardian you have here", Harlan said when he stumbled backwards out of the kitchen. "I'm glad that I don't have to live with that."

"I have changed my mind", Sabre said bleakly. "Take me with you. I need a day or two off."

"Welcome to our current domicile", Harlan proudly said when they walked towards the doors of the big building built in the middle of nowhere. A giant sign over its entrance said "Hotel Haven". Sabre started suspecting that this thing had been built by the Dark Legion just to annoy them because what sane person would build a hotel miles away from any tourist attraction.

"Now please excuse me. I think I saw Rembrandt angrily throwing stones at a big Coca Cola sign. I have no idea what that boy has snorted now but I have to take care of it. Go and look for Steppenwolf if you need any help. You will probably find him in the lobby. He can always be found at places where he can observe a lot of people." With that he left the perplexed younger Guardian.

Shaking his head Sabre turned towards the gates again and entered the hotel.

"Attentiooooon!" someone shouted at him and saluted as soon as he stepped into the lobby. A second later he recognized Jordan.

Sabre let out his breath. "Good grief, you startled me."

"If that is the case, you should pack your case again and leave immediately!" Jordan replied still shouting. "The war is not the right place for hippies and other cowards like you!"

Bewildered Sabre looked around the mostly quiet lobby. "What war?"

"The war against the Dark Legion! They built this hotel as a death trap for us but we will blow their plan outta the water and turn it into our fortress!"

"Sir, this balcony would be the perfect spot for our snipers!" someone else shouted and Sabre saw Aaron walking down the stairs.

"Grear job, soldier!"

"Boys, can you please stop shouting. Some people are trying to relax at this place", a calm voice was heard. Steppenwolf wandered towards them and stopped beside Sabre. "Go and play war somewhere else. I saw a young Guardian from the next-door Haven carry a hat-wearing sentry outside - ask him if you can play with him."

"Sir, yes sir!" The brothers saluted and marched outside.

The oldest (ever) Guardian smiled and turned his attention towards Sabre. "And you must be one of our descendants. Welcome. Don't mind some of the boys, they all have their quirks but we get along well enough and it's been a calm holiday so far."

A huge violet thing with short tentacles wobbled past them, a cat balancing insecurely on what was probably the head. But while Sabre stared at it with eyes and mouth wide open Steppenwolf just lifted his eyebrows and held out his arms so he could catch the jumping cat. "Holy shit, this is the tenth demon summoning this week. Mathias has been awfully busy."

The younger Guardian slowly turned towards his ancestor, an incredulous expression on his face. "Mathias is summoning demons in this hotel?"

"Nothing to worry about. It can be quite funny sometimes - but mostly it's just stupid."

Steppenwolf's eyes wandered over the lobby. "Oh, can you wait here for a little bit? I have something to take care of."

Sabre watched him wandering towards a small group of females to have a little conversation with them. After a couple of minutes he returned.

"Looks like the old charm is still working after all." He looked down at the animal he still held in his arms. "Or maybe it was also thanks to the cat, I don't know. But at least I don't have to be lonely tonight."

"Wait, you seriously just got yourself a date?"

"Well, probably more of a one-night-stand."

"With whom of them?"

"With all four."

Sabre gawked at him for a couple of seconds before he finally found his voice again. "But ... you're so old."

Steppenwolf covered his face with his palm. "Great goodness, not that again."

A little while later Sabre finally was alone in his hotel room. Well, not completely alone - on the way upstairs Steppenwolf had shoved the cat into the younger Guardian's arms. He still couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. Was that really the same Steppenwolf he had heard of in countless stories? That guy he had learned to know in the lobby was an older copy of Sojourner - but at least Sojourner wasn't successful. From what he had heard Mathias was the youngest of the already deceased Guardians who lived at the hotel, the rest hadn't yet entered their next level of existence. Good for them, Sabre thought. Moonwatcher he hadn't yet seen. According to Steppenwolf he had been at his yoga class or something. At least one of them seemed to be relaxed and hopefully also more normal than the rest.

He was about to sit down on his bed when his door slammed open again.

"Hey, you, have you seen 39 cats somewhere?" Mathias shouted.

"Uh, what? Why do you have 39 cats and how could you lose them?" Sabre asked startled and cuddled his own cat even tighter.

"Someone delivered them this morning. I think they had the wrong address but I kept them nevertheless. Even demons seem to like cats so my experiments finally were successful. But then someone crashed through the door - I blame that bloody idiot Rembrandt - and they all escaped. Hell, how shall I now satisfy that raging thing in my room?" He slammed the door shut again but before Sabre could even do so much as form a coherent thought Mathias opened it again. "And stop petting the test subjects!"

The sun was about to set when Sabre's time of peace and quiet was disturbed once again by a steady muffled squeaking noise. He hoped against hope that someone had had the stupid idea to build a trampoline on the corridor but knowing his room was right next to Steppenwolf's something else was probably the reason. If that guy already had to get his oats couldn't he at least have waited until the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping? Sabre put in some earplugs, flopped down onto his bed and tried distracting himself with another book but it didn't help. After fifteen more noisy minutes he stood up again. He hated the idea of being a nuisance but he at least had to try and bang on his ancestor's door - hopefully that would quiet things down for a bit. When he left the room something became clear - there really was a trampoline on the corridor.

"G' evening", Moonwatcher greeted breathlessly. "I hope you didn't already sleep. For some reason I always get a boost of extra energy as soon as the night is coming."

"Just ... keep it quiet", Sabre simply said before closing the door again. So much for the only sane Guardian in this hotel.

The phone rang. It took Sabre a couple of seconds before he even remembered what bed he was lying in, let alone finding the phone in the darkness. Why was someone at the reception calling him in the middle of the night? It wasn't the voice of the receptionist that greeted him though.

"Wait, wait, slow down", Sabre said groggily. "Why exactly do you need ... chloroform? At 2 AM?"

"Because it's the only sedative I can still get legally without needing to be a doctor", Moonwatcher's voice said. "Rembrandt has the worst flash ever. Some people said they last saw him in the park dressed as a gorilla. I need you because you seem to be the only sane person here who already has dealt with a Guardian who has gone completely bonkers."

"Alright, just give me a minute. I will be with you soon."

Sabre hung up the phone and sharply exhaled. Why did he leave Haven again?

They already were expected when they finally arrived at the park in Echidnaopolis though it wasn't by a gorilla.

"I wish to report!" Jordan shouted loud enough to wake the whole neighbourhood. "My brother and I wanted to follow our father but we lost his tracks so we split up to search for him! I actually thought I found him but then I realised that I had been chasing two frightened constables down the streets! No report from my brother yet!"

As soon as he finished talking a crackling noise was heard. Jordan pulled out an old-fashioned walkie-talkie and started talking in a foreign sounding language - the same language his brother on the other side of the line used as well.

Sabre gave Moonwatcher a puzzled look. "What are they talking?"

"I have no idea", the older Brotherhood member replied. "Some guessed they could be talking in one of the Overlander languages but not even Steppenwolf can understand a word they say - and my father can understand a lot of different languages - so I would have guessed the two invented their own language."

It definitely was a loud language...

After a few more seconds Jordan turned towards the other two Guardians again.

"I report, he was first seen making a headstand in front of the cinema eating a banana - without the gorilla costume - then he climbed up the nearby apartment building. 221B Angel Street."

"Thanks, we're on our way", Sabre quickly said and dragged Moonwatcher with him. They didn't even wait long enough for Jordan to finish his salute.

The cinema at Angel Street wasn't too far from the park. Just a sprint of one minute. The two Guardians ran up the fire escape ladder only to come to a sudden halt three floors beneath the roof.

"Why the hell doesn't this ladder lead all the way up?" Moonwatcher cursed.

"There are no more windows. Looks like someone had the bright idea to make three floors of window-less attic", Sabre replied breathlessly. "What shall we do now?"

"You go and find an open window. I'm sure the staircase inside of this house leads to the roof. I will try to climb the rain pipe - at least I can't die anymore should it break."

"You want me to break into someone's house?"

"It's an emergency, okay?"

Since he couldn't think of anything better to respond Sabre ran back down a few steps and sprinted towards the first open window he found.

Remington had just settled down in his bed with a cup of tea when a Guardian broke through his fly screen. In shock he dropped his tea cup.

"Sorry, really sorry, didn't see that was there", Sabre apologised while struggling to get free from the net. "I'm going to pay for the damage I've done but this is an emergency right now." He only gave Remington a short glance and then tried to ignore the curlers in the constable's hair - and the fluffy bright blue bathrobe - and the tea puddle in his lap - and quickly walked out of the room. "I just have to get up to the roof fast because I need to catch a raving dead Guardian. Is this your exit?"

Remington just silently nodded, his eyes still wide opened. He soon heard the door click shut again and then feet trampling upstairs. Forget that bloody tea - where was his bottle of moonshine.

Moonwatcher also made it up the roof the same time Sabre left the staircase. The two watched Rembrandt trying to eat through a huge advertisement sign for dog food.

"What kind of drugs is he even under?" Sabre asked.

"No idea, I last saw him snorting raspberry jam. Now, do you have the chloroform?"

"Uh, no? Where did you expect I should get that in the middle of the night?"

"And how else do you normally deal with the raving lunatics in your Brotherhood?"

"Most of the time they kind of knocked themselves out..."

Sabre felt a bit lost. He had no idea how to deal with this drugged Guardian. Suddenly something flew over his head, hit Rembrandt's temple and knocked him unconscious. Behind Sabre stood Aaron with something that looked like a self-made bazooka. "What?" He shrugged. "It was just a potato."

When Sabre walked into the breakfast room the next morning he was greeted by silence for a change. Most of the former Brotherhood members were tired, Steppenwolf looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Did you know that Echidnaopolis had a travesty theatre and that its artists had been staying in this hotel over night?" he whispered after Sabre sat down next to him. "Well, I found out about that last night."

Sabre nearly choked on his coffee.

After that silence returned - until it was interrupted by Mathias racing through the room screaming, "Catch that thing and its cat! They have stolen my wallet!"

"It's a pity you can't stay any longer", Harlan said when he accompanied Sabre back to Haven. "But then again I don't think we will stay much longer either. Steppenwolf seems to miss home."

Yes, and Sabre had started to miss his well-known Haven too.

When he entered the complex Spectre ran past him, chased down by a kitten.

"Listen, I already kissed my inner pussy and I am not willing to do it again", the dark Guardian shouted. He ran a few more steps and the kitten happily followed him. "For the last time, just because we both are black that doesn't mean I am your mommy."

Sabre sighed. At least they only had to deal with one last cat in Haven.

("And a figment of imagination." - J.F. Gabrie-Cat)

The other 49 - including the ones from the hotel - had disappeared into the wild, just like Locke's pigeons once had.

Locke was still away from Haven, probably wouldn't return until a few days later, Sojourner blocked the surveillance room because he had found two rookies he still had to lead through his world of Team Fortress 2 – and there was no better place to play online games than a room with a dozen of screens, Thunderhawk chased Athair out of Haven because he had trashed the library (again). What a wonderful normal day in Haven.


End file.
